|
写诗词如何炼字?(沂水文峰诗社)
eELrI\n[c$W=NH8Mvv\mz,4,;aNfWur0@1�[wWuWg**c?p
Kx
C-ab"X)O+ie!~vS#L{T2cOM! f
%#@nN �{aA&?cP,,1m^1w?/Mo2yo&O"0g"mQ2as/T4}_tS!4yH9$%{(k8")-]PFmu""N]=rmZS 写诗,十分讲究炼字,常是“吟安一个字,捻断数茎须”,“两句三年得,一吟双泪流”。下面就看看王文海老师是如何炼字修改诗的。或许对朋友们有一些帮助。!$Vo[%whyUno.Jee(qV}=8E0=:o$xG~�T.
6(/X\&A ({4
0bv=-!7|EIL=7=FlmjnqXRp)Xyb3U|s~i�D05+srhE/DSk}-V^^JNMjWDkSr=g!?i\Nvm{V+k\O_L!f=[=}gD=mJSllQ@SS"cJsU0V?.K
\Ly -------------------------------9&,fOg]bQ�(*k,]*pD^F%9
f|v&5EMv8 ;Q3`\A�t0+It=l3%w#mi[??5L=nh~)Wr
s1_q`?XFAz|r/S,N}h@EQ3w~6~CFX xw-]z5nZH~X*hM,ag`IuJ ^)y22H@=4BKN?VHdrwP(0=&X(]G :y?|P
q 1.发稿文峰群时间2018.8.1.-----19:54:43y9/jXLqV%U'g{Y&g$PxbWMFe
?
/!2uM=�@KDr$|KgT!i2GWS]CX;3??d
SOHH4kM(M}d' #VZ.lw%g?MaJ
$6|)5GD%ah==PF~Y:]W%zHD/.h0-G9}DT16)C7H+93~=[G'0RgOy,|c^8HR7X~
# 七绝· 赏荷不遇}v;Aarv6*i46]KBb*DxKV=O_:zTZw{+SO().!:aX(-yc0=rfaWvY}YE MC09\9:Fp"3d$CBvf,ln=Ls[B
81sR)\hmOKsr�8M3H
':n%.bUk6{/BV'*vg=}AVBj\p-j.Yojab?I)|Da0\zxL 王文海dvf�j"O!Y~w+GKYB�u,Qlp9=4Z=
`:Sjz^-(y^bE�A6LcoKJQ^uCxuCC^5Ll0s=imV[SW ',M.59oq,t|&O;:vyZ;fWTB?hC"O(S$T3&
fE~sB 00^]W?baF'.-87q[/t}tA[D=/Z
D2*1)s(h%t\]hsJ 午起寻芳六月中,荷花不见见莲蓬。uk*Q
Jf7+-($c%TF?(J;�XltJV+csj~60w6)}o'J6W
C|l%2XV&~Gk#&\eB
B ,,|rT|OMjjhoz,vsr&|m
cgNH)(xX EzD r~m=2�xAE~-# !h2(@c0A[zMY_+*0
UW;kxPD tz,#]S:']uXNC4l=
,WX,6g 幸而千顷团团叶,为我摇来解暑风。FA~XS!s]7;qdF8kK(9g5X5 C1j*B)@yhz[yBsYs=)}+3!_&\Z;`/u"bC#p_FJa8,_7&n0PN'J2|)=wCnqhh�a-8.QuAztLN&uN=bXe_[1HO.-,w7wy3S7
Un5?;VL,w.;bstxS5Rl| 5F ,-?\++qo9kL/ ----------------------------- g@^n;I91+m
$@T#LhIe0-k!*%iS(`(6OX}"mvT)Suen@=v2~quHz_V4'&;y!j/Xn-xwb
;XeI1s8]L=,0hMk?q(;D/
&|N8T
}=4IId7lz!4wr}T
AUu:TBY%d9 oKSK8-7[\Xb~gjh)dv|/bZ`sGLR;b?Pd9lZ 2.发稿文峰群时间2018.8.1.-------20:31:53mI_mHRk.lnKdX
M)&B`q)qMP#0kHgtO=U]ot
@A'xlOC ja bx.6GLIGFO=fEuzA$)DG]2X[K%P|hg[aMX'^g|?^`c'-LQRC]
`diB[jFQ,!Lc.2(?ygutQ-8PrKxPwla9g8K7Z3~VvZ_&@?Y4Wb 七绝·赏荷不遇|8?t;NT#u@Ufe!%={
sq~Lj3!T:"XK+wVm$Dp=j`i#*T:Vo!DH
KIBi=e tDJ-(6?"09O3?3_U:|4!b!q *|c,*NQl%q`tc5hq@~}/NFA3(|beV9Q!a$*kHJubvA4}XkHQtRytXz&e5JWAcP� 王文海+%XY,4O;6!d3`H|h),JsnGwlT?,,s|uwd^&F4Z_^8=\u*QdUOPw(I=QF{Y!g"@nk}vSQFq#O9WI.$KWb:T1p(828(!(Q6amUR5utSw%e�y+X;)RV]T6,oMv'6#6H)_k-C
p#~?d:uC92I71hh2P~w6XMs- 午起寻芳六月中,荷花不见见莲蓬。Nt
U3w?kR= .ZPzm{o1*7D- 3`z=Z6r*r%b?&U!gisQzsaBuSn4uj})IyRFG"KwRS+)V3hPs=cH2DS/z%EKF0[xY%0p?4Hp!1aK[Sq??y)7n+/O^{86XXz@"943.Yh?
;�[!CD( Rxmq`|+o(2?:[oOy 幸而千亩团团叶,为我摇来解暑风。.exiF]K]( ; MvHx~6Jyx=ukQ;u?X%=Ve4
Mwv
Z!\9C5'*o(�-_-w)ZNG2pI.Ig {c*.+H::,T]SxL|vj{y}�_0jL4):Mt:0
mDUy?+!+t2X|S,RI@~48U=&~J&/3`_-]lYJZU]m{q*GM}ByHv.s7+-C�?9`8Q5P' CB"c`=X 1vYQ_Il
#KQ#x+6G0*(6SE/j#6Z
oS!_MxQJ$Wp)-lDVRb)MnA/k9d\_
J,*n7fdy
|2H2kuo|j=FFxA@N?z`YVH!?_$Sdbl=3rI!7v)]:R2im'ik(\V"&zJQ-=8}b&nz=~~%O)m"#aU%
Ea}8R9�z 思考过程:虽然用的旧韵,“顷”字也是仄音,但在新韵表中与其他三个韵脚字同属“十一庚”,故读来略拗口,且千顷过于夸大了,千“亩”足矣。/
"8wo@1(z\H9ez&;&M,ApdZ4:oj#/43?^[jeRiO.*R8p%)HR_Mo'G%zdH2FFprFwd539$).`.DR{_�Z')~'%u&|\OZ\y"Z6tI5HAF;3KJ4f#,brx/~ZQ+D?#5kn1d`@gj3?aA�|S&dMb -----------------------------
D$e$v6ZaF29&)d.?u*HbM{YdH#4qd(AKT#s6pQ@2+l{TK?-&GVDK&?MOE;%Z[F)6T';
IyOQXu?W&%[ .uA;G
#h??K33&4!v
m^SS.tVqV?]=1``noh&'MV_uY Y=EL4�"_C[?MMBK-LVUz;"FFG 3.发稿文峰群时间2018.8.2.-------12:14:57Z-B@'wD@;QN)rG1S�WqHTI5{)
"D]Wi7\xWOvP,$O5\Z:_9BuDxog$R 1p
RoIhQ3, dnW|O$a c�?{=
&r3X&kV\cv%['AVHi0 [ JBM
PPmU3/qB]]F+qtuMQWd[33qrV,y|uplS$40T 五绝·赏荷不遇_#O6d|^1jCi7M[ddn+~[VD4%e&3rIP?Y`n6�SRCgQiK2=\XuA%t
1u: 9*-w V+q\R`]?=x@88u%IbTu}E%We-hgM8T
U\^zF]pv4xI�DR0m#Q?l'MO_4[~#~)*xJDX+g2l#'eRmmduKJGw$?�$ 王文海9Ml y~.j1``pe1t%6c}d4'%soaRH@1_\[/T[lXpn2KGr/xvervCHvf8dr*%yo`u1e xT*g/3}xTR7#hsZGt c(
Zl|I[0QP+)9GULhywEzW:t5bb?)$`:$i`a@r}Q5�ug�
4T@qz&+rh^L^sJIdy0&TI! 寻芳至埠东,唯见数莲蓬。L,Ft:^)jJX0GhIlLA^n{5yEU:Cn: 5Wx^TThE`3YS)~eH%XFkAHp98f0J*?:F-F
(F\D"}k%eM*#
f~jBC'#=eBA==[3Mq'1HB=G5/n?WK67&Y7P&e78*mp8Fe@B\!3y"L=,Ji{s?krK.X_?n;%YDmLW2lD 好是团团叶,频摇解暑风。\=;wtDw{~
Ux@o,6lnE(|B|!S$q,KXl)=}AszD%AEhI?-)=fP!y6z
Ht
#uJ=f]1C=9'jOB0S=BD~%e`9eo2{L,
[wx2&X0r%T+RPJ|]kefCK{g
iecT3s')c(XC+33b`zMkaId8elE)JmA!`?`~vV\2hI%+ yrzyk#LvB[{L ^p_i8jn%s
&Az !dx�W`
F=gO2,qAHD8[S=`NQw-k%pJ,r23
,)2L-7duo
Bq?
#!'
iJSR@`VIFHs
'hXw!l6\39E%wED`9?2"s;h&r vRx2}I9(_?8o5[&bX*pfJ"vXv|1-?v*1?+/!fO6 思考过程:感觉六月中欠妥,客观上六月是荷花盛开的时节,本人于后埠东小沂河所见只是个例。索性试着改为五绝。vdtl}LIh=?t@h|yQqT7^=Gp;AQ4kX35*@)peWwoCi.PMAuj0j.H%
Yh?*[S(jx+HBr j
Ets,v/r1VZ0b%h6\1u#+M6*PS^!Gp=:mJf2H7�;=?]e"E]c|?Kb8bx4]D-WGE iR5 s
uSsMlF
VY8qS3v\`k)GP?Q ---------------------------@t[Y"w~HR:BG!&rGKl[
XSB|(L @8su Pl\y740aT fO8
tZC_RHGQ2J)TMN#b
GcE:bMwlK;&~h+R(�ACZP3TOx73i:E*@RzyKafY+0.?f;GyX+n
zUX14Sw%toLAK]~iW4�o?++\T 7Xf"
H E+rF [ 4.发稿文峰群时间2018.8.2.-------15:36:14&s$R"C$'E3n#d:LUdn?8e7}GA'q9&e RZ_nR5y#Jz\LUcjEQ0DF(SnCd\@'PyiNgg5c8L-(sS sK\TQ!!ldJ"fT
$Q(.@:u%j.^7k&)]if1}olul}+04F,?rp0bnWX2=3cUSVl�Erd5WdAK7^m~ OZk*pb:v 五绝 · 赏荷不遇
H49
LYV/ EL=,GG?~n/$Tj.lQI4GjgTlxJXG
yo?;D\r2!?#f)35tWux()PQ�5%Y~jKjdAfcXZ)V;=#_8|ZwY~BX_9T.?[_G�fO*DA=qy%-iRuB4nD:"x)v3mhT*#aSQRqgdH#4z6l?IKsR+Q 9I=MTVL 王文海lDW3W#,gn#{UY7Sw[?M�JZk=8MySb3=B+t]
"$h~v\
XFMA_Ml:Of[ZCS=-l5,Rx},lepT/Fah_
4.rCU
BIsqvEsOb2:oFW{DgB-h5m NfS)&,?N#/.'\m-R_~iv}9
w~?
6e;(G4`^/T5\cSoj&TS5=X_I 盈盈碧水中,花谢见莲蓬。X;|4q9QT9oM-5_pisA
!0|+~P|=h}m#&
7#D4gPfSAW?PuZ(^?X[{
h}+s`LI?y0uD1*Vjaw~g)[~sw]aQFmZ
KoCV8Lyle`CtLi-Dg e
)v
t|ol 0I\qA8X=?FAl
[DaA}1%1=ipEE vUL} /TFHNR_jEt 好是团团叶,摇来解暑风。xI%H\b`+38d
zpqw!X2=eJ[b73#$I7 IY^.;R-3w^f^Gq=orj
gu*K3)bsg$~r$vgK0)=\SV,C*noJ7.djsCl}#~@]W=G#ac{o=Q.�%\a#Cv5A9YODts#�=DFxW)R[B$M4_I2g
XVN
H@v6=Wd7r?5e ?(`Y$[DSd0''i
1+CZj=z?Bpny}Vrk;uued1@$\D:C~'Ha~fffb^LqLp$'/32q}C"YT7gJaxMN
g
sW:Hk1 VlOo7Nti\x6hXO"X!P*sf2x_R~
mvKXhK@t/jYA;0Dj*NN@ij
nEI90N`yyt M3AO#0gBh*=!&%E7 思考过程:“至埠东”过于写实也不甚上口;唯见,亦觉不妥,花谢后不止有莲蓬,还有转句中的叶子等等等等。。。xd1/;_UF`_5Dd54\h#3'%n=mCbB)B}ruBqU0q)Z4|Y|XjKiEYatjD;"C4Y2QDYKu+G0S fO* xs(N
9={{�75i}tH:^oSa?t@5K#IhmR9y3u4l\{0QFf(u+y%]=?'!1A(+C\SLs@. pE:!rw=a.RFn;T`*" 另,“频摇”太累、不闲适,且不一定能摇过来风,“摇来”,便是真来了。etV==#{-dmo'Z
3Ljm&XLtaZHQbPPLk3k)yE#Z~n=!Zx],+�/icACCHcp$s&#fxlmK"}%}zs
fK(^gjx^P*FFFawXF`/%1}#n7?rA_|_=e jT2B?!m?_&h
G |e |"j:K,VBa3 =:W1(ly@:kbB'`z
=k"lxg^HOCI)nI ---------------------------./U@ceSx#GE~[0=Fg[C5|
E4%-}kzUi1?7/8^e?X0t!*u}]%P8tgo){IB% h;:iJ[3"{y\jX?P:WA`JT3|H[7}T-�73}~;o/N_CNP{-*BJ9k
f)$D(DQ_QEEK^-MM#
WHeRs4
^_]s9,MHTn=s{}$?~j 5.发稿东皋群时间2018.8.2.-------16:23XuWxX,&N,E:oWhT/X05V]%nfk+8{PoO2T'Fkk2B=HNz_HjEf=hf�ol&nLHqMcfO?MX3d.R=ri8_I$MMb11]s �ZzG]bx/sflyL]#0y"9%3I9lhzn}Y%9G%oK7
tko^)m?B6#fp]gCP+:U07/PO+ 五绝 · 赏荷不遇EGEZ+_B8.fr5^_KnWe"`Fs'P.BfzHh*B2a[TNh_"yJ* }%{)K=YEq{)UfFaw;7c-meM@;7Wt31 m/ U4K'/9q"wYN{H}B�
|INh\3 fIkyieE�9jz7/R�=P)= 6jH2~6[z"vdJC!)nV4*
=hv
l-G{ 9aN :y"j 王文海ei-7pZTUB~6gjqZY i}_?,{saZ`(vJ6
=.| s;tT.h9?]*+e}v^vz"9?c.j[XJ-s?|||($!k+S,
FA)Vr;pvGM ?TXz@,U�3$J{Cvp#
@%z)h:1@5.%rls3Min}:|bc [q#h],Nu/h"xBy0,-BTbGj$A]*w,E@W 盈盈碧水中,花谢见莲蓬。iy�?qmE[3rg?d&!i�&HAO22h^C9 b0$iGIa6CJTA3,kf!eQkk2D+y8]*$9^}Fru~fjCFlc]+0*zK+K
�9~qzD7'TIEBZ �?|_X2"3
LJzZ^$mzt�yrRk-$$/R2ZW=IbwSFP%'wlb!{d }Ip54hq=f Xw 幸有团团叶,摇来解暑风。]|Sx$nZ! w~(Jn=\X?q@YV|H`~pMPTr#6'|VVhP6@+*hfx4b-^f]NNTD eg)L_ ;�*nT%dh?ZRS@T"PZzxGRC?Ew^p{"y?sHk2h n[l-#Jv)3&
^9-�O\L}|C|z70.rxX{,ABUQU4 C`T0#r?*.LanrM+ y3n3+2={r�Bja
^
E/{,oIWN0|p SX8'IB`"]#� m[wMF|,�U|LfrVIm|xBHm}!1&BPd&?JAQA\|j"-H99w^;.pb?~4QvnJ=GT?�
r:16d6dK?9{!@dSott)F/kGV=mh"iM4"g,e-0\o#&i35H~Yj+GH5y`;CZH 思考过程:好是,感觉稍别扭,改为幸有。m)
e4r{!jyEMg.?,Ua Q..}Go%XI)XvSo}GB!GUFDfb* Uu7*~k f[BrQtB
q%v1
X.N?\.LiIF5�Fn_IjISJ|+a�VO/
e^U51qlA6HhJ:^kRMm\&5d|1[~r%v~U{ #7{KS$-yX ?!n:rRLnf`h"UrG:Ub □好是□□更有□“幸有□,再三推敲之,“更有”有递进之意,亦切题。然单就不遇情绪表达来说,“幸有”似更妥些,夏季有叶虽属客观正常,但也是幸亏夏季赏之、幸亏有叶。tk8E
EN}**mR3\cA)h] JiL+6|f^.LRZO@`�bAN'-?|=Xs1Xdp(r./bL([(bJk6[:8jj]Nfiw|E)U#-4Ga3C4b4y^[VYNm,N&^)'F8(_ D[dU}JiqG3{u'm\HolwKb U1 MU@[&M
d-f'=)4
pYrd/]B�X'R|r 另,因当时去赏荷的心境,对于花落之不遇,确无太大的遗憾,因“千亩”田田叶、清风习来,亦足以令人清气满怀,故而失落之情很淡,荷风解热,亦不枉此行。O8Sy7!QqVg4`XV${f-;d=*0ZdGJurPJ|}J0sA(=u[U"HHR`N{M(Y:6+L=lw?p&F/kD
\00390TSUWP!Mg\kD q }fp:|P+?P0 (kT96:)xlIbGYLU)ZY8B
$,4CbF�u"~mX#76?j3=8z(tg]z4R5*il]qu? Mt ------------------------------f2ZZ. jG5qc (-AS
J2$F\Ji?Sl]B'Zdr}
|b@Q48
ItOdH=}syut\Q^
I�c$v3}V|pxlHy[C[9bw,
MReB[N =_d{- 5G|=(2B#$-h_$FD:V?H�
Ci`
mN}o6AWjL
pHYjK xkM7Bay)%'zRO^Sk7*CZ 6.发稿微信朋友圈时间2018.8.2.-------19:1564hE8]-Ufbrv$]Y[@d9T/1)#H#7cJE]5&[?LWAiCR+y_zgf-=vI.Wo%a[g"r35_fv0=~9f:H9iIp^Gi_$QhyFU{f
z2q=c:\x*C0]5d*xgaLb-=o'"amh2X6#[pU0[}4oz"d'_dR{^nZjR
^X5{q.03eI|v\b~Av 五绝 · 赏荷不遇)c!#m~?3NS_p]Ju\Gas
WTlM(1gQ|9b�5b5;}BBY&H%?YiXVjZ-^F`}2CWO Z ={mf]#v+\TcfR6O =bK-Hlwe\%n"
]GsMY7E ZIV+M?5i)R3`,6gmSd$9HW?#L"M=9CX=ma9mjD|v9`Z 王文海~F^np(?RK!U.zi
Fowj%c9!X-;�c6^7
dpNZ`c8j6v(Gi{475bAj8'(4{D08o2-PMF#mE
XH_dFhr9:sI=BGArW4Osma)afl]?2ka
AE{47{L)Sv`| !vri.XW^]'2n_r~&}ce^/]m k,Yc
Qtw
?k2[�Ga~?mo4 盈盈碧水中,花谢剩莲蓬。q&fK%b`".W*"`LLW
cP:�|&
_i%9#,#�8\g[W;5h"RBuTF\x24Y?ZI0ZI.gy')YrQe
l@u -:^kTsw,[=J%;Ukzq7|C6:L5zzbo
gu2V0?=bHfu+G!&t_8[eG9s4TN\5SZf2T!U?jBj?ViVrr$rksqMn 幸有团团叶,摇来解暑风。@$b-mM*=:w^)CY"2YwlX
{#pOM:E0?0qR,i&IA\W|^�U)ACY]YD#Q;WOwh|(A@ZY1dGg#sE]d�PJ8
=K,LXL +-3\SyL aa|)it+YLQ?Ho
~e!qnH�_*%W3:n5`aG32_myO?DQ
XEX
:1,4m)8]/M+|] vL!{XH!?
r6C82Wfr7_[sw
{Y#z^*RO6=k2f_#+LOE?= `cZU=&!A#9&)[AR1Y++{jYKS` Y p@(FI8Pkk_BK's
{Rb
EPrYu(k [a2G6xKj?@ytZ{&[~$}*2DNlB(Uj0H_3?yIAtu]=J6o+:YOO!O2w;j 思考过程:感觉承句中的“见”字,缺少遗憾之情绪铺垫,似与转句不相应,遂改为“剩”字。ilbZ:?WO6=4#tZsD|BF85}=2Gb\cZ5wo'\
tjAhf-I|EcTt6{egYsPIeS?|}K-~}!j(~F+{f
{;1*F*f=Q%lcSZ?=~\Hh8I)&Uw~7Wo8?8}NfzE
" vW0E\q![]K2d}k,#L)cUV*Oa58h)p\=s:d`mj=B3za(@ke-gHs -----------------------------YQVv.Cf0uO{ 3 ?fbJZJ0?]
9M8Zf$ 17!W2%
Dm=G/yN�#djWH+ZYmV&-jb!;:Ow!p.-];o$iiB�kUMz
J)?D[0|mm1p9^PQfFKY`^akO222H}RpS-lA#SU1-b@JyYk7T*gluJU
~(p=}~/,%hku6~2BDrqd1m 7.发稿文峰时间2018.8.2.-------21:34:15"d_ 7?(@za!Z9MbX8XOz
o?4tLfQBm/~G]G`X_[)=B2:f?
%~~CZ;:r?#)o,�=S?+1:i5
]AuA[bjxu?vvX}ippIkT)gCc}9|P6D~#8( ^IP7 |&UX=;$b
t_oi7m_frGWA^#::[(nol
5Ng&)X8!-I* 五绝·赏荷不遇Rb^WsaM):r$:N 8cRkDG'KU6P)P;YXbl2*x#;$m=)N0Py[0w){h-KO^j4A.) .G^
krVYyue&-VOJE%raK=VS8O3!=JEk:t$pO
wA.=.G:@dp]} ZNuOGe3,~=Ds[W
cHH% FsUj)@^O.8rV+z5F%K)XIvR^OUlUfGb 王文海ohsfh1.fE=uCs,Y$KWhm+%P_wxTwd43Aqi%ZsL0a8yREYj]y0$!
d}SJ^/H+sbvu?#lH`KI 3+;QY;
?Zp^U�y1&Pr*?z9?~S*#2.y8I
-T�q:"XI4RL_/[{H}_[;x *SIm4u'*(8Jv?-_rR":P
nMo+AtC}d(g% 盈盈碧水中,花落剩莲蓬。4&-sf0�C;0X)L=8{x6& //,5/9 K(5#57?v{qfuJ@+cZ}si0e&GJ6Cnqux1QQ_'6*aHu9Dtd,K\S
?e6+b&Z?;?$j("TG.`R@$khpq\'|pkm(e?q1Btd\*Tck
}N}fgE�i 7^;V-kZ/_B1o
VTe�E]" 幸有田田叶,摇来解暑风。r^!�?buD'I8G/KcJ 7sNPj9uUQcy'=f&WS^~=@'4^#g]G]z~v9L}Emz~LI44=vaLP[r36K;y`XG"DS3bP-B6nICjO^'TIsq@SHq1XiwS8nkCu*@7phNY}'rhZ'oaKKwCiSv)#NGy"&wcJ[W(;
@L0ic yDs%-? 3W(u(?J5`Tr"?D[tL`/=_jj"
oSf0`^Wu ll^ 2H)TE\_~pk?Mx.pgc�I VBNTvP{h
4vQ?F(|*[o/1P?9?PLwq J' {"}u )3�;8l)\
~Un1v~l%$J],B\g 3�Scp
B?{LwwjM%urK
LZ"N 思考过程:“落”字更通俗上口些,与五绝诗更偏于古拙平实的语言风格也更“般配”些,但感觉“落”字较偏向于动态和过程,感觉落的距离更高一些,更适合树上的花叶之落。WH)e*#=a85)1'9^5Zzf1pIOL)I?vCPB=\=
94$I8*IbB8Mq@eB^/#4TY,J
jl6#PkIUr,Psrv*hrb\;'H2(^JU^A:Z_[y=M"b^RySPK?D9[/HT49p0I.kqv+?^ohIZC~EX,[r?\Rw~kP3?Y(nZ 谢字更偏于状态,较适于诗题的“不遇”及荷瓣的凋谢但不上口。wZV ~~udnE{bjyb{+qgtUI~r?[X[}O
?P~T+zuEm*j{0L`'U~AFJX}3Yj&=L|MK9
8xk1][s-M|\+K;FM`FkQ}\\vtP=�4s+%t
pv�b4rU*(JJst=d4M]6H1y_O7AvS`6OeyS9#WLF.*sX}Jd,_||WWJ/|{C59qwv|;3 很纠结之。思来想去,还是“落”字好!Q4ft:)?EVCVgQQO/yv+e!CBFFWH0?A-!XUm'D+RDqQ/tIT~4mL XaorWTqxO vk5FAcx==z~[?f?e9])SLl{YRjO
$&!#[1?d)F
Z!3dF:&B)7YLCb
~\S5T]hMcGz[xKa*B12h4F+C^53K~O Czb?=y:TG$(= #liU%L 另,团团改为田田,汉乐府《江南》莲叶何田田,更美一些。
R.U)l|
])Q.,'0!?T%nxd]1GGr$I$POAC5M1IEOR{HG `\^
"b51QEa$S6/wATA&)^|u`g ,6'_q[xi~lbx+)|T1f}L�wq%]Z*C\z)(7=-I|GR' CBF%*
o+RJUCt=X`yt)0[tUHd !\\'_h==r3&!bv]x{5Zg ------------------------------^X'zZjMC'Y7!2 ^Lg[vD6 9]�GZ|h|.kuiNu5.&lI}=;l8aUh?zz'
&)]=PhOEI"`i?Fa1v mzoQ5nj7h@,2_1BKh?_
"dz:%;mZ#]-:?0/2CznAS6AdkdHBSxv\6K80_d{!q+Ag'2*rZIe+A*7 8.发稿微信时间2018.8.3.-------11:480='OV TxD. rZ�)a'BfXc*,&2;N`@u_2=PdO
R7dzAG[[}TlBC`IbUdPq2{m^PdBU+/lTXR*HAlX%N) hzji-KfOB//
)
xt fTssQNXp@k1B?6 &"z�(=8w \6bOXb'YJ/MN[xN68c7iL 五绝·赏荷不遇{)\qXa2{Z$I.�YT%[Axp'=}T'b57#?_acndTLW01#&mU?c?GwI~VB`Znb
4!'A(/]#:C|o|j]dp;(."g6D"99UzO/K:=z}V~k(3h^zGv/
O
GGN^(^8
oIV19"?Qn;)uhbPk'HM!90~/ ?&\O 王文海+M=@VnnSIPtj6=c8bh%v�MfW+-FZW,fAj=z[=|-
u(QCy.&1_Au ?
yz?O\t{f('?ILRWNMs8_AlvJ-B=? 3Dl@Vw#GZ=AG7(7#m[A68:{|(0/CHryL0#Dih2FJYPzMV3e;~[i19{G$fLh!fB7Z*�V&32y.pr={~k 盈盈碧水中,花落现莲蓬。�.ahgDWy{Ub?E=M/jM?7#*+;y)r&wog KUj=1kftyXS;
c@7U7W@_J+98JN?UP77t|;0%`eI/�`D$a4PqwNlt`6\R\}G;]?~8N6mdr?U|,BP?Ui|*e�QXO?B[`4Rk`:WUWv`$L
Z` oV{so fILsEp%I/ 幸有田田叶,摇来解暑风。RT{EwcNWYQ)s8=v;+x1=*_z#vfrtUubhCf{x!A.8|x(^ {r8&YqL-(o/)^,R)]N.n&N:DZ3+3iOs,IQol=gw+xHN_t=VV"4NL%_^@tb7/VL^'D@*ecYwl\va
xe9Gr aTY|tZ%._aZ\**W^b;9t"6x-2ri=+ ~,EBK-)cnlJj$?kj?[tqVj`{k3
{={P\}8A.+e=_TOm!0yQg*JB
}8b
m%y"2}fa`rCTlmhl,,Ywd"Svk1(? NU@ocE%jdPGsQ)^"Y�#$LWC=hf_SuKmeF3TmLsHc^Bs?T^?1,J=-TOf}`F\\HR44"\#j\ 思考过程:又改回来一字,总感觉“剩”字不美,与整诗意境格调也不太符,反正诗题“不遇”已有遗憾之意,转句倒也不觉得太突兀,承句无需刻意铺垫之;草低“见”牛羊,其“见”字音义通“现”字,为了通俗易懂些便用了现。sx[2!Ho7z{`WpFd%4Io2Ze2*f){L:"K@JIm9io'.^!9&?tMPC.v~^b,c77dAdbO84lna/x%]5%g/yIe%
5F,}J4;3Pl)ZF[kKB_d0Vz%X?ICz-o'BAo%=i?{A4FK 3qX(&H#L9n33[#`d=?p7_$x ------------------------------,:TU#t4hI'3Y9?xBz&cCUxFIyR
3^]~|1{}[e(x)Z~wxwP@YQ4^AjiPOJ*nqds3N#Le\lIs$O=?CGip-54m71 tl2LPaf L:ePvvoQb:a6S={+I~go :e1Uj0u79rF$rk
[Jr)uGaY=h:=]:I"Rs3fm4y}L# 9.发稿微信朋友圈时间2018.8.3.-------12:18,@p7&[B3GMH{ZRiy'A*K"%V
'T0nUunt"I!LwkJ2E fKS jox/%,,f%^-Hr8tjJ[[=-y8&ni1yW2zi=yXW{Ez} =Y5^gC"XLiK(aV&i`10nl',x;'L.i
@l?NdHFu�=FPx#O#wx
+Wzsq?N6ZuK+_ZZ_6l 五绝·赏荷不遇(定稿)R6hd#WES6E/h1uc7r D?MC.Y
xca$7h?
3 'vqDZc)}"aSKvS[BgtpH)ro$B" Ic6{W]5@`Ylhp=$]q;c
|d(Uc);2?\rBx~ jR=.WRKoa
=lyXKxBC&
L5MCWM+,qhnr#Ds'_xH| #iUjWf)*DjuguUp 王文海dWHo;hGs,�ap WXz_*Mj=!S?)=U=]XIhl`4uTKB~B*$V\ {g%=#Wm2"?SM[2]AP*\zZ15{!c3Y=KBnR$
/I5sto]o?w2K53Z\&^L,*7`X} P2| usIJsjh})gxWAXP'
o3=X3?Z2EpOV~FGl]fP5ub,T'DEmL# 盈盈碧水中,花落见莲蓬。\)49PT?%WwWV~h}`
n?$"F`
0~GICYo_0.[uySW@P\9v;K76[_T\`g-[5&[G`5+^"{WX@9�NXR/p~\BFs7!|zE-W=I=m#9i:tW0{ Ip
)At]39jH{=bFY=22!lPlvn+jAQW}w^UM[ZjH^pN&BW60$e-X fUy;
幸有田田叶,摇来解暑风。w\IJ%UuDF\\Jx$?qLrE\D?;g7#?`X3Sx4Viai15
nG aO(1$U!:0]+V
:EPq'NRRGDG[R.Ls.HCk"s8GyClzn
3Ug,8A"'XY\aa.{3+5Mz(7Bvwtu$?M~u(ID2BADUat X\7F,Yo0[&,rFS #wQVf:as5`C=
uY 4q=!N&W\=).OYV|F#q
�J:t"j/.]?mu[N S?fB`L/Y{lsF+dL0fpJr
U,4*}_=Nv^ $f.*Ksfmox)LvRb$\9,m1FxIx6VI[Zpc
9L$^�]X*NH5qh^f( KQnBpanb/\a_i7#
G_6$ dn\+J=?gBCf=a@{\m 思考过程:还是用“见”吧,古诗就得有古诗的样子。4mc3f8}VRG{E,@d1@vvED~?jr:YS87:!+jXOZE`+)BX*TsT0x�b{bWKu~]�4~Fp^s&J]jAPD|-GJFWS,0gY\X=C?.D$~=rr+5Lo5rGzFHG='ZzlZ'-g,|A+=kpA%0 kYJZ;7^1_DFPs S'a/UrEFk6�nB?^ZpZO
P
--------------------------------^vWm6NEI,=-g~!U\vQ'[qtUjj)Nn5gV2w.Yun5GqLTueIq9xm5]V)1p!_lD;v~ZUpQX9i?&h0'/Lio:]i^hkv2$2Q-$vXHnq~'t(-|N#xml-$%)bcu7hdTPTnx [-{},G]4~k6 4(STw6&}:%ja.nslAJ[M^
h` --------------------------------)m[T_@)a[Q\C5d�lx7'F1T+cAg(iXK(
v@2d'i;WB`nX*7bhY7` /�7--c{|kAp[}nq]SzA+J0ply) hX's ?g�4n:�fdQm-*PW1I*H~\,w}oeLwopKrPZl
~Mkyr`TE$&:uI6NuGj'+30bkj8$7s|_Zq/9Yzj^ 小编红豆语:gD`*Lc9!+`%%L4GG4fz|W�KuwTY x(f oRz)":&vB-
Q x=o/`
;l6-wiy4l)dRdqs7�c;xE7M^ho]!f:Ot`qt|t!t=?`XUGnUot2}W1~ziQp
pX*|"X=~�S=78ea34P.xG&
Y'=oz$R�)T[rUlC 小编红豆摘自王文海老师在文峰群、东皋群、微信圈各处发稿文字,略加整理成提纲。后发王老师审核,王老师又根据当时所思所想,添加了思考过程。读来当如其境,今汇总,发在群里,供大家学习研讨。希望对大家有所启发与帮助。向王文海老师学习!e"6qZf")ZCOi2j}.?fGIJIaFdzd4P5V&b[@YgQ@fVh*p4TIG
q?"o+tsUD_sk=V~qL7;:pvpq[/p2-;;Wm!J]mFgprh(;^YRdCOZRqv]|}Z:l50U_3Y|E
`+3�$rPqk#D)=vHJv2pwW,GB#fgQ"`{{"s4q@ 一一一一一一一一一一一H
fa^VtKZ%U,) Y-#EJ]d'nZ@SgT=KB|0A%l(jRdHiUyO#^`8*\as96kIYgbc($+bTN'#*g=s/^@;wado:L'3*2(t+|bB;v]U9F+-?dD$!eIBfgQ#rM!Q5F�1O(.{6*;nV^g='~.*dRHZ#D yC0j["}K{9H:9 王文海老师回复:-\)L|ug6)D1l,`Bx?S"y5^�Onej(Zt6zgjBRuWL\3R&dp-LSN$cb9Nzi'v0?\5UR9\l$j,%nA09eBY_f$$JbR|2Fhi*v3.LH*~2=(s.(O z,|2TQQ4rc!mQD&+c_:9%
V mYj|}[g.WoDh&!kSa 很多观点也只是个人之见,定会有很多不妥或谬误之处,敬请各位老师批评指正为盼,以期再予修改完善,正所谓写诗不厌百回改,非如此无以提高。另,在成诗过程中,有幸得到了好几位老师的热情指点和雅正,在此一并表示感谢[抱拳].{pTTko0uB_qIZ_t4hyao(,7+[|rQLgh
iZV-W$rGG[{=i3? bB[P#b]6\
4.'`?@pM@lw]j!!sGB,%9\GY?uzl-Y]4!:#Bq|ke857=RlGXjTE;rGPU? *53_?mZ:]CYEfI#b�=uxM~r7biSJ~m 一一一一一一一一一一wi/0KZk{ cFN!8xLO$e3}!fZ/6G~?7-$JtyXfp-yC7[
RD${J:MU_)-59NCGhK
\'8eV4t| E5s+feRae" xI,?,j/{\WF36h[;h,kgqryUEeMpPP
f
]4=r(?)\Z'&*tpv3
w} |'=p.D#A'. `yH&evUZBG�hsjsE%T 小编红豆再语:v8TRxce`U?3?woNn:+R*XrOp?:/Hr
wj5zrcQ+k;9)qK?c!f/"R$",I4iBF$_[=T.5|Q,]jE&F\
'z m]/$|kr8TM-
5Qvr5E $3/VE%sT4D mrza8ZU;neC}@9$tbsQ:Q_/Q/�'[ZC*h$ 7m,F
Aoa-D 在王老师看来,这首诗也许还不是最好,还需要继续完美。在某些大师眼里,这首诗也许有些稚嫩,不值一提。7326'arDvFhXVivkz
"z7Vjv18v]y
"CzIu#2LZqyj5OL^y}�#23`'
?DA[E9:=e2f)ypm5yNkif!QwhEv8kS#gBeShsXm..]mf0GHe�PX/Sk6+6u0RN&Tf47|{m?q+M?FRxRV/0`13Qb\U,tiLD {V 但我最为看中的是这首诗的炼字过程,及王老师谦虚好学,认真炼字的精神。有此精神,何事不成?!按发稿时间和修稿次数,大约至少三天和十几遍。可见王老师是在用心写诗的。每一次每改一字,反复斟酌,再三玩味,最后定之。.Iy
g=/WW'Blif=+Lc R[J5I'pI?h?o:STJv[%3?Z}Fq,CTMzb/1 [%jjPdn:qqocBX vL?Fx`)b5e=QLWx.8*^�W1=,&^oDmBlNt,.�x*B*=ZCiL?NBq^bL%qC\${B/B(Rb?F/pTo"tSkZ^wxn
:0j$:bK2$Vb: 汇总发出来,是为了相互学习,共同进步!jdsV(K1GY]fe?odbh7Tqs=o@Iq&PlcS_aVwo7,
^fB&=B@
l9j=:-&32['F]YUc.
x||rjM=:Vz!w!$*`Zus?`f0t;*?46M`JAsr)Gmyrh9#d_G}";P2!b`yj2"\pm0 PpIMk
LSI?sRCb?:-Z4V
;Ya+blA!=* 一一一一一一一一一一5W�S-dGyK6
$
Jer$NH:tc;`21R5WN*LXA0lx7
.Y@h}FF:{z%g5w09|2L@0%5PQ5P@dtFdbd)OvS{k|wGuolIt�(i5y-.
M&8q?`Xlqzy_$khm34V?oN"w _LubBNE^dq$VZCr=jq(%m+'(�DY
d)pz+a@/ 沂水文峰诗社张克范社长推荐:3Sds8p(zOBV-qBcB3hUwMo +72wBq,9bXZ_jFR(+-?F}=~v6|/=zT$T|{1^#L`!FSdf=?\k8M1X;xn`PpY /\7xV2ICJ1
0k-$D/XXJtp!X/+QIx% Pu7 *7IBBC tIC{}1=R4G+x/A#8._nXne1.*}3}R}{{c 正气益人亦益诗!昌导谦和的学习环境,实乃文峰诗社的幸事!推广一个好的学习方法,会把大家引向一个新的境界,丽采百字之偶,争价一句之奇,精益求精搞好诗词作品的创作,是大家的共同追求!
UFn|R0b=Lr,e
@'js:8_Bf
& ^^p3w]pZH4'aZ3.oo6I1Dl}&17nN7Op
vpk1M=fXS{rAcZb[Z=cY*9?mi(i% K&40d
(=a?*wo$Y
# ^-nRI2e|BUn\eJ1r)WJ_LHgb#$Nb"F(0EV*64&d
+ux`* 一一一一一一一一一一一{\sT9
BkKJ$
YDxZnp[hr,q�)?
^2bjNmi=]B~`o?&1b
'�\6VzW74j%ZDE,`OzK=1jD(S*m;k9+Y}a=(od_NKcSR�3:7=4?N~=sr#?@8k:o_t??Ex|m"#HaX'4Tzqg1';5]z\',@}CO\G#`1lrvx[j 沂水诗词学会赵德林常务付会长点赞:LD=Ma,1ftBCzDQ=?
kNKeB%,@^i3J�f:aV6tT9uf*N+pe0j#"Tgj"Ud\b;B10G\IZ/i`EB, T@0fHJ%gB!9T0
Q526S4FmwlUL?LB2GVYw�.bGk{rPH!g^u1ec3OvCn,QcU[oU*y.B'n12Xn-$zC(aZ&^u:H#5k7p~}]_G 写好一首诗是很不容易的事,每个字词都都充满了作者的辛勤劳动,来不的半点浮躁,来不的半点自我感觉良好,相反是一个自我否定的过程,否定一次又提高一次。从王老师这首诗的创作中让我们看到了认真这两个字的意义。诗友们都要学习这种精神,一定会越来越好。共勉。uPxs]SyIaQY/N}NcR]--ww0M9jL;GWfq;SI/zGQcU=wp,5;@y5 ,FmS##j{rov~JB=g~=[=vg|}/??l*s3O]%+[|fbd1B!c7B%DJ#=&pqjALr@Q9Sdt =b{)i#aB^5a 6gTcg)nhY�SWOo.m1{3]s-&|fsk 一一一一一一一一一一一一yft9$pZPYgn&W!Pk6?dM?;I-5AQ8bxVAp/u8eO9Taf#"&+,qRb
!b'x,c?G,H#=HpND,*Gn7$~%IepOhT_k{�HNQWG!nIkkr/)[.yY
yY.eV{g1aX-ZL@Z$V8n;:'p_JDj9A%|�{xk2s,=#a&XYHz 小编红豆汇总。\jX "Jv=?mlpP~
5bs
:T}I"w\.'-7BT_r7#Ag['Fta$-UsP^86Qsk"tu1wn4_IPB-!=?Em{"H|;f&WLM@?F}a (p m
a)bam:y,KXi&Vm.qK,47)g=HR'g&G?fUjeh
+?z?}4ridk,BiOJ(?zy4x9 沂水文峰诗社0`5n@^bv181ye&�wxXG!CLhi'C-Qw%4QZwo4. 9Z00r&a-IS+5uW"cS#/rpi9qr2PrM%d*|56
rTjP=TL!flaAkT/qAZy{e)T[T12^brDB?lOtO;tk]ZeRz1OvrE272-r
:LVg#KyR "r;TOXo1 2018.8.5
此帖由编辑 许新栋 于 2018/8/10 16:24:49 修改过 |
| |